


You either die a hero...

by sharperobjects



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Swearing, borderline suicidal thoughts, jason angst, mild violence, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1608611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharperobjects/pseuds/sharperobjects
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. After all that he'd been put through, Jason thinks the least he deserves is death. </p><p>((Slight trigger warning for thoughts of suicide. Rated for moderate swearing and mild violence.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	You either die a hero...

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own don't own any characters.
> 
> A oneshot about Jason offering a...different perspective on why he (almost) always leaves the BatCave unannounced.
> 
> UPDATE 2015: This was written way back in like, 2012/2013 and my writing style has changed a lot since then so (I'll be honest) I don't consider this one of my good works and if you're trying to get a feel of my style, please read my more recent fics!

_You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain._

He doesn't know how he knows it – probably from before his time as a resurrected mummy – but Jason thinks that is the one thing in the world that he loves (well, there's Dick and – never mind).

It's kind of an explanation. An excuse. For why he turned out like this. You can't be a hero forever. Screw whoever who said 'Heroes never die.' They die, they burn, they cease to exist. It's happened so many times. So many heroic souls extinguished in the line of duty. But the one thing they never said was how those are the lucky ones. The ones that get to die a hero, and stay dead. They don't have to watch themselves molt and wither and shed their reddish-brown feathers and lose their childlikeness. They don't have to watch themselves get churned out by the dirty, twisted, cruel and ugly dungheap of a world because they _couldn't_ die.

After all that he'd been put through, Jason thinks the least he deserves is death. A final blow of the whistle. A last breath. A conclusion to a wretched story.

Which is why he gladly sucks in that finishing breath as his body hits the cold ground.

(Everyone thinks he's a daredevil – or extremely conceited – and that's why he doesn't like to wear a bulletproof vest when he goes out for patrol sometimes. Only Jason knows it's because he hopes.)

He hears shouts and yells and _that sounded like Grayson. Ah, the Golden boy. Always trying to make sure everybody stays alive. Sorry, big bro. Can't do it this time. Don't want to._

Jason tries to stop hearing, and it almost works, thanks to all the blood in his ears. Then he hears a small note. Another one. And again. He frowns, and it doesn't take him longer than a second to recognize the tune.

It's Hey Jude. The song Catherine Todd used to sing to him as a lullaby because she loved it (at least before she turned into a waste). Jason hears her voice picking up the words, and he loves it so much.

_And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain_  
_Don't carry the world upon your shoulder_  
_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_  
_By making his world a little colder_

Red starts seeping into his vision, but he doesn't care. Everything starts getting colder, but he doesn't care. Is someone moving his body? He doesn't care.

_He's finally going to be gone for good. And he's leaving like he always wanted to. Taking the bullet for someone. Saving a life. Being a hero._

* * *

 

You know how they always say 'all of a sudden, everything went dark.' whenever someone dies? Well it's not like that. Not always. I knew exactly when the lights were going to go out. I was counting down for it. And when I hit 1, darkness swirled around me and enveloped me into its caring embrace. Whoever said death was cold was right, but they failed to mention that _cold is nice_.

 

* * *

He knows something is wrong the moment he started… existing again. He can't hear his mother's voice, he can't hear his lullaby, he can't hear that goddamn song that he wanted to hear –

All he hears is the continuous, monotonous beeping of an ECG. And he feels something cold under him this time too, but it isn't _nice cold_.

Anger and aggression starts fueling through him, and soon, he has enough adrenaline pumping to start moving.

Jason's eyelids fly open as he gets up.

There's a few moments of silence before he loses it.

He rips out the wires and electrodes fixed to his chest and arms. He then throws himself off the gurney and begins throwing the medical equipment closest to him. But none of the ruckus satisfies him or stills the emotions pumping through him like a fast acting drug.

Jason is back in the world of the living, he is back in _fuckin_ g Gotham, he is back in the _fucking_ BatCave.

A loud yell rips out of his throat and Jason sinks to his knees, his fists full of his hair.

"Why?"  Jason feels the injustice of it all rising up to choke him. "Why?" he shouts at nobody in particular. "Why can't I get a break? I deserve it! I deserve death! I. GIVE. UP!" _  
_

A soft sob escapes his lips. He bites down on them, as if issuing a threat. Jason doesn't know how long he stays in that position, but eventually he gets up ( _Can't have anyone walk in on me like this._ ).

He falls into the waking-up-in-the-BatCave-after-a-near-death-experience routine.

He grabs a change of clothes, puts them on, packs his bloodied and grimy ones into a bag, borrows one of Dick's helmets (Jason tells himself he'll return it. Eventually. Although it's not as if he cares.), and leaves on one of the motorcycles.

They've got no one to blame but themselves for his state.

_You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain._


End file.
